its 2:06 am

and i'm not tired. i have to wake up and get ready for school in like 3 and a half hours. this day is going to suck. i'm going to get very little sleep, go to school. then go to work until 10pm. i spent all my paycheck today too-_- i have a shopping problem.
i'm not very organized, yet im organized if that makes sense.

things that are running through my mind:
-what will i wear today.
-i need to finish my roll of film for class.
-i can't finish or start my math hw because i dont have a syllybus.
-how much is this day going to suck.
-i really want to dye my hair blue or orange.
-will i get into a relationship..ever?
-my thighs are lookin good, i need to keep up the good work.
-i need to fill out my daily diet journal for class.
-i miss cuddling.
-i miss being the only one for that one person.
-i miss the feeling of being someones.
-why wont more people follow me on tumblr.
-how can i get more people.
-how can i get him to spice it up a little during sex.
-what else can i do during sex to make it better than before.
-will i be able to have an orgasm.
-what is happening with my body.
-i wish my hair was longer.
-i wish i could go out like normal american teens and have a night life.
-why do ALL my bestfriends have a significant other and im just here.
-i love food way too much.
-who am i.
-idk who i am, i feel fake ever since i was little.
-i wish i had a stronger personality.
-i wish i could remember what happened last week.
-why is there always a billion things going on in my mind before i go to sleep.
-i wonder if i ever pass through his mind.
-i wonder if i ever pass through anyones mind.
-life isnt tough at all, i make it tough.
-i look good.
-my boobs are pretty big and decent.
-i'm not hungry, but im hungry.
-im tired, but i cant sleep.
-i never stand or sit up straight.
-i wish i was more out going.
-im better to talk to on the computer/texts rather than in person.
-im so awkward.
-pizza and macaronni and cheese.
-i miss foster's home for imaginary friends.
-why dont you go look in a mirror and do something.

just to update..

i got a second job at hot topic. im nervous im going to mess up but fuck it. live and learn.


second...i really lost myself, maybe im just letting people's word get to me and change who i am..but i really dont know who i am or who i want to be anymore. i felt like i never knew..

First Day Of Work

so today was the first day of working at my job. it was pretty confusing at first. its hard for me to talk to customers who speak thai because i dont know the proper words and that right things to day..but i dont know how to in english too
but i just gotta keep pushing through and be confident that i can do this. this is a job that ANYONE can do. answer phones and use the computer. i just need to put in effort and work hard at it.
I also got a ticket for speeding today-_- my first traffic ticket..ontop of the other ticket i have already from the beach-_- ughhh sighhh. its gonna cost a lot. i need to stop being so reckless and lazy man..

I GOT A JOB!

finally. i call this the beginning of my life. or the start of my life at least. I finally get to make my own money. having a job makes me feel so grown up..i also learned how to do my laundry recently and im starting to clean my room more. it's like im starting to grow up little by little.
so i work at a thai travel agency as a receptionist i guess. and tmrw is orientation! im excited. ill be making $9/hr which is good considering minimum wage is 8 bucks. and ill be working from 8am-12pm. so lets see how this goes.
i really want a pair of doc martens so maybe ill save up for that :)
i really hope i can help out my parents by starting to take care of myself more and having MY OWN money to spend and not theirs. and i hope that let me out more too but that seems unlikely...
so this is the start of something new..lets see where the road takes me :)

i'm back again..

well let's see. whats new with me. nothing much really. college now. i really have no motivation for anything really..i dont know what i want to study or where i want to go in life, i feel like im just literally floating through life. i used to feel like i loved photography so much, but i havent played around with my camera in so long..i feel like i lost the passion for that. like there is no spark for me in anything right now. and i dont know why.
It's not like things are going bad, its just idk. i feel lost. people say im depressed or whatever and maybe i am..idk. i just feel not like myself. even when i hang out with my friends, my body is there but my mind isnt. when theyre talking i feel like i could care less. i dont feel like the energetic happy person i used to be..and i dont know why at all.
as for the whole boy and relationship thing..thats going no where..i started going to the gym yesterday and i'm just trying to keep that up..maybe if i look better and gain more confidence then things would change.
and ive been trying to find a job..hopefully i get one soon.

chiilllasssweekkenddd

so i forgot what i did friday but saturday went to Roscoe's house and played rockband, which was fun, but got pretty boring after a while. so went into his room, and we fooled around a little bit hehehe.
then later that night went on a girls night out with nayely, carol, and sierra. went to cheesecake factory yummm then went back to carols house and watch the uninvited for a little bit before i had to leave. but before we went to eat we went to cue to take pictures yay!

then sunday was superbowl and went to ceci's casa. watched the game for a bit, smoked some weed for the semi- first time then went to watch the game, then ate a rice crispy that had some ganja in it duhh, then smoked some more..but the entire day i did not feel anyhting at all. i dont know why. i heard the weed was dippd in some pcp but idk. took some sick ass picturesss
then went with ploy hanna and zub to get crepes, and ploys car fuckin broke down in front of mcdonalds and this guy came to help us which was nice, even though we thought he was a killer. but yeah what a night.

then fucking monday was hella chill. playd football with a ton of people! haha even though i didnt know much, it was fun:)
planning on again next monday.

today was taco tuesday<33 i think we be makin this a tradition haha. eat then spitball>:)

my mom comes back on the 15, i dont want her too cuz i have a lot of fun..is that fucked up?

Cliff Diving

is a MUST!
thats one thing on my list.
i want to experience the thrill. that butterfly feeling you get when you jump into the ocean.
the wind in my hair. the open-ness.
the feeling that nothing can happen.
the coolness of the water once you hit.
i might be scared at first, but im down:)